it's late and i'm writing so you know right away that this is gonna turn all introspective and stupid.
there was just a dance party on my floor. we broke quiet hours so hard. it doesn't matter though because our RA was involved with the dance fun too, so no one was gonna do anything about it. i was gonna go to bed at 11 or so, but instead i talked to julia and lindsey some about the engl301 stuff. i'm not looking forward to any of my classes tomorrow. sucktastic.
second semester is so much different from first semester. i mean i know that there's the thing where we all know each other at least a little and we're familiar with most of the campus by now, but not even that. it's like i'm changing more. allow me to explain to those of you who don't get it:
i like being pretty, that's it. this is in no ways a reflection of my sexuality. it is just a way for me to have a standard of appearances. i want to make a good impression on people. i don't want a boyfriend. well come to think of it i'm not particularly fond of the aspect of a girlfriend either. just let me be a flirt and i'll go away.
those of you who used to get kicks at my expense be warned, i'm slowly developing a thing called a spine. and i'll kick your ass with it if you warrant an ass whooping. fuck you. this is my life and i'm not gonna be the butt of everyone's joke. not saying that i have no sense of humor, i'm just saying that i'm sensitive and i'm gonna finally do things about it.
i'm catholic ok you people. maybe i'm not the greatest catholic in the world. maybe i don't agree with it 100% and maybe i don't understand a lot of the parts of the religion and maybe i don't believe in going to church. whatever. that's who i am. i admire the buddhist philosophies, but i'm no buddhist. the basic concept is that people need to do good. whatever religion. jesus or buddha, it's all the same. so just because i'm labeled as catholic doesn't mean i'm the same as the rest of the catholics or that they are the same as each other. the uniqueness of everything is splendid.
labels are restrictive but i need some form of structure in my life. that's what i was missing before. i was too open to everything and i believed in nothing. i'm making my mind up for myself now.
i enjoy looking pop, but feeling punk. i'd kiss you as soon as i'd kill you, but i by no means have any sort of mental problem that requires attention. i am scathingly normal.
i love music when it has a synth part or something other than just guitars on it, but i also love the old school punk like Richard Hell and the Voidoids where everything was just basic to the point of stupidity. i love to jam on bass and just lose myself within the total sound of the group. i know that sounds eminem-ish, but it's so true. to lose yourself in a jam is the best feeling in the world.
i paint and when i'm good i'm damn good, but i have my off days as well. just like everything else.
i don't want to be unemployed when i grow up. i don't aspire to have nothing, but i am willing to accept it if that is what i have to do to be happy. i aspire to have happiness above all else with my future. i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do with my future, but i know that i'm gonna make it.
i like subcultur-ish looking girls, but they always end up having issues that i am not particularly fond of being a part of. for example, the girl below. i would so want to be her friend, but i always end up feeling like people like that do it for attention. i hate to use terms like superior and sophomoric. so i won't. the point is that as much as i love the idea of the girl below, she and i will never work out the way i want us to. i know that this is a horrible blanket statement and there are exceptions, but it's just been my experience that people who look fun are always trouble to be with.
i am not straight edge. stop calling me that. i don't drink or do drugs simply because i don't desire to do them at this juncture. if i woke up tomorrow and wanted to get stoned i would. same thing with alcohol. and i'm still looking for a cig somewhere. i need just one more. i don't want to smoke as a regular thing, because it's gross and stupid, but oh man. i've been over this before. i don't need to explain this again.
i hate rebels without a cause. i love james dean. let's clear that one up right now. jesus lord. stop trying to fight the man and not know why you're doing it. i can't stand that. my position on the man is more of a passive acceptance. i don't bug him, he doesn't bug me. agressiveness on either side of the man is ridiculous. we can all coexist people. suits and punks alike.
remember when i said that it would be hilarious if i had a suit for a roomie. yeah. i don't care anymore really. i've yet to see any real pricks on this campus. everyone seems cool. i'm very adapting anyway. i get along with most people, but if i don't get along with you i'll probably just ignore you. no point in my trying to change someone just because i don't like them. i'm sure other people like them for the exact reasons that i don't and i don't like those people either but whatever. i'm slowly finding my crowd and where i fit into the scheme of things.
so yeah. basically, whoever you thought i was last semester, i am not really that person anymore. i'm no longer wanting to be sexually ambiguous (although if 0 was gay and 10 was straight i would still only be about a 9.5), i don't care if i drink or drug up or not, i'm set in a religion (even if i don't know what the hell is going on with it), i know that i have potential (even if i don't know where it will take me), i still get depressed but now if you ask me what's wrong enough i will eventually open up and bitch and whine about things, i love who i am right now so stop trying to impose on me who i was because it's bringing me down.
fuck you. i haven't said that enough in my life. i'm not one to burn bridges. i'm just starting to come alive. and yes this whole entry was about me. you're the one who read it so you can only blame yourself.
jesus...it's 1:29...now i'm gonna be dead tired in my english discussion tomorrow (today) @ 9. i hate today's classes already.
i want to rock. forever and ever. and that's all. just hook me up to an IV. i don't need sleep. i just want to rock.
and also, stop making so much drama. no one likes drama so stop making it. and dear hollywood, stop making so much drama that is not needed and making it look cool. kids are really fucked up nowadays. part of that is the damn genetically altered diet, but the other part i blame hollywood for.
and dear everyone in the world. stop having more than 1 kid. the earth is fucking over populated as it is. just have them one per couple for a few generations until the death toll catches up with the birth rate. i'll let twins and the like slide.
technology really is going to be the death of mankind. i love the internet and stuff, but i think that a lot of this stuff is unnecessisary. bah. hopefully we will be enslaved by our robotic superiors sooner rather than later. show these men who's boss.
as you can see, i've been talking to leslie too much because this entry is fucking long and i'm damn tired and yet im still writing. shit man. insomniac central.
i'm gonna go pass out now. | 
